My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
