my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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