Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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