He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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