my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
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The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
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I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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