My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
