Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
