he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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