He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
