happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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