Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce