Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?