we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
