I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
