M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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