i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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