Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
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Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
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I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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