I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
