he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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