yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
