My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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