I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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