I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
