First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
