A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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