So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
