In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
