Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
