Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
