i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
