I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
