So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
