What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just forgot I was standing up.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
