I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
