Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
