Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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