NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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