My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
