ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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