I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
