I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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