It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
