I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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