I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize