Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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