your thong is hanging out like whoa
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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