How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
