Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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