my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
