I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
