I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We left the knife in your bed.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
