last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Boobs are out for the taking
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
