Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
