I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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