I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
