Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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