u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
