I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
