I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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