I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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